Ageing happens. Pay attention though, to prolonged ‘birthday depression’

As I am on the cusp of turning 30, I’ve come to realise that in recent years, birthdays for me have been bittersweet affairs tinged with growing anxiety that another year has passed.
Apart from deciding what birthday cake to get, I have also been preoccupied with these thoughts: Have I accomplished all I should have by this age? Is this the life I want? Should I already have children by now? 
How did a day once marked by resounding cheer and laughter become a nerve-racking annual review of unmet goals and expectations? And whose expectations are these anyway?
On this celebratory occasion typically associated with presents and cheerful birthday greetings, it felt “wrong” for me to be sad, anxious and even depressed.
However, Ms Radhika Haralalka, a counsellor from mental healthcare provider The Other Clinic, assured me that “birthday blues” are normal and that I’m not alone in feeling this way.  
She describes it as “an inexplicable feeling of sadness, uneasiness or feeling bummed out” that creeps up as your birthday approaches, but fades once the birthday passes.
Aside from the spectre of missed goals, other factors can contribute to the blues, she added.
“A birthday is typically seen as a milestone event — celebrating yourself and having friends and family to make you feel special — and if you don’t have friends or family around or they are busy, it can feel lonely and sad.”
Agreeing, Ms Priscilla Shin, principal psychotherapist at Range Counselling Services, said: “Sometimes, it’s the pressure to feel happy or make the day special that can actually make us feel worse.” 
The good news is, if you are facing the birthday blues like me, there are ways to reframe our mindset to make this occasion a little happier and leave behind some unhealthy preoccupations.
1. EXPECTATIONS AND PRESSURE  
Birthdays can elicit negative feelings because of the gap between what people think a birthday should be and what it is in reality. 
“When there’s this expectation that a birthday has to be a happy, exciting event, it can create a sense of failure or inadequacy if you’re not feeling that way,” Ms Shin said.
Birthdays — just like it is for annual events such as Christmas, new year celebrations and anniversaries — can make someone feel lonelier and more isolated because it’s a time that’s “supposed to be about connection and celebration”. 
“There’s often this expectation that you’ll be surrounded by people, have plans and feel loved,” Ms Shin said.
“When reality doesn’t match up — whether plans fall through, fewer people reach out to you than expected or there’s no big celebration — it can really amplify feelings of loneliness.”
There may also be societal or self-imposed pressure to make this day “perfect” — whether it is to plan an unforgettable party that should top last year’s do, or to keep up with rituals involving your peers that you have outgrown, or even to meet the expectations of your social media “followers” by posting photos of a “perfect” birthday. 
“You see it hyped up on social media and you build a fantasy of how a celebration is supposed to look. If reality doesn’t match up, you can feel let down,” Ms Radhika said. 
The notion of birthdays being special days can have a counter-intuitive effect. It can overshadow genuine feelings and lead to an unpleasant day.
“It’s almost like the day becomes less about enjoying it and more about performing happiness,” Ms Shin said. 
“That disconnect can definitely weigh on a person emotionally.” 
2. GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE WITH AGEING
No one likes to feel weaker physically and fear of ageing may also provoke a fear of dying.
More often than not, people may have a hard time accepting changes to their looks and body as they age.
“Getting older can lead to complicated feelings,” Ms Radhika said, “whether that means dealing with ageing and not looking as youthful anymore or not meeting your expectations of where you want to be in life.” 
3. HAVING AN UNFULFILLED ‘CHECKLIST’
For generations of young people brought up on western culture and mass media, where making a “bucket list” is seen as fun and book publishers are telling us to travel and visit 1,000 places before we die, it is no wonder we become victims of our own doing when the checkboxes on such lists are not ticked.
There are also the more traditional “milestones” we are supposed to hit from the time we become working adults to the time we retire.
“Society tends to place milestones on specific ages — like hitting career goals, getting married, having children or reaching financial stability, which can all make us feel like we’re falling behind if we haven’t achieved them yet,” Ms Shin said.
Ms Radhika said that transiting from one phase of life to another can be hard as well.
And turning 30 is “one of those big ones because it’s often seen as a transition from youth to full adulthood”, Ms Shin added.
Therefore, birthdays may trigger negative self-reflection because they are an emotional spotlight that highlights any insecurities or unresolved feelings that one has.
For example, we might feel like we are supposed to celebrate growth and success, but if we sense that something is missing, those moody feelings can surface.
Instead of celebrating, self-reflection can turn into a moment of dwelling on what is not going right, making it feel more negative than positive.
4. AVERSE TO ATTENTION
For other people who may be more introverted, a birthday celebration can make them anxious because they do not like to be the centre of attention or be fussed over by others.
The thought of not having the capacity or energy to socialise can provoke anxiety. 
For people who have social anxiety, it can be daunting when others make a big deal out of the birthday.
5. UNDERLYING MENTAL CONDITIONS OR PAST TRAUMA 
Although one may feel moody, nervous or sad around the birthday period, it is also important to note that birthday depression or birthday blues is not the same as clinical depression.
“Typical birthday blues are often temporary, with feelings of sadness or anxiety peaking around the birthday and fading shortly after, and these emotions might include mild to moderate sadness, anxiety or disappointment, often brought on by reflecting on life milestones or unmet expectations,” Ms Shin said.
Most people can still function normally and return to their usual routines, and it does not disrupt daily life. 
Ms Shin said that serious depression — birthday-related or not — often disrupts daily life, which can affect a person’s ability to work, socialise or even take care of themselves.
This might manifest as physical symptoms such as sleep disruption or changes in appetite and energy levels.
She added that there is often a stronger sense of isolation, with a tendency to withdraw not just around the birthday but on a more ongoing basis.
Feelings of depression that surface during birthdays and do not go away can be an indicator that there is something else going on in your life — a past trauma, unresolved emotions or longstanding problems — that you may need to work through with a counsellor or therapist. In such cases, you should seek professional help.
To have a calmer and more enjoyable birthday, the health experts recommended that people like me start by reframing our perspective.
1. COUNT WHAT YOU HAVE, NOT WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE
Try focusing on the milestones you’ve already hit, thereby shifting it to celebrating your personal growth, Ms Shin proposed.
“Instead of stressing over what you haven’t accomplished, take a moment to reflect on what you’ve learned and how far you’ve come.”
This may also be a good time to give thanks and be grateful for blessings you have received.
Ms Radhika suggested journalling and writing down some negative thoughts before the impending birthday.
“This will help you reflect on what is bothering you and clarify your thinking.”  
2. KEEP THINGS SIMPLE AND LOW-KEY
Both she and Ms Shin emphasise the importance of managing expectations before the big day. 
“There’s no rule saying your birthday has to be a big, extravagant celebration,” Ms Shin said.
Ms Radhika advised, especially for introverts: “If you don’t feel like making a fuss, allow yourself to rest.”
This applies to people who prefer socialising in more intimate groups or just want some solitude.
3. CREATE YOUR OWN TRADITIONS
Ms Shin suggested that a way to combat the blues is to create new traditions to make the day more meaningful. 
One way could be writing a letter to one’s future self or even giving back to others. Nothing lifts the mood better than looking beyond oneself to bring some joy to others.
“Ultimately, it’s about connecting with what makes you happy and embracing the day in your way,” Ms Shin said.
Having gathered all these tips, I will start working on having my cake and eating it, alone. Or maybe bake one for that neighbour who lives by herself.